The other day I went to a meeting to discuss a new project. It was very hot. This type of meeting is known as a tender briefing meeting. It was very hot. Then a representative of the client stood up and spoke. This is what he said:

“Welcome everybody. Thank you for attending at such short notice. I do realise that, for a tender on a R500 000 000,00 project, we should let you know about the compulsory site meeting more than a day before. But some of you made the effort and you’re here. Some of your competitors didn’t, bad luck to them. The project is a R500 000 000,00 project for the construc- tion of a bridge, a flyover, three buildings and the landscaping around the general construction area. You will have to include for electrical, mechanical, work services, earth works, civil works and professional fees. The whole lot. We would like the tender in by next week at the same time.

“This may make your tender process a little bit rushed but the fact of the matter is that it was only three weeks ago that we realised that we had R500 000 000,00 in the budget to spend and that we have no project to spend it on. If we don’t spend or commit our R500 000 000,00 by month-end we’re going to be in serious trouble from Mr Big. And I don’t mean King Kong (ha ha). Now there is something that I want to put right on the table: there is no reason why any reasonably hard-working contractor cannot submit a fixed-price contract within a budget of R500 000 000,00 within seven days. Some people have said that this places this administration in bad light due to bad planning. I reject that completely – the fact of the matter is that we are going to spend this R500 000 000,00 or at least have it committed to a project by the end of this month. Now I have some questions and I will answer them one by one.

“Firstly, there are a few documents that you must submit with your tender, or your tender will be disqualified. The documents are a black economic-empowerment certificate, a valid tax clearance certificate, a Construction Industry Devel- opment Board rating certificate, a letter of good standing with a compensation commissioner, an audited quality plan, an audited safety plan, a letter of appointment in terms of G3 Section 16, complete CVs of all the directors of the company, medical certificates for the entire board, a statement of social enlistment contributions, proof of skills development levy contributions, a value-added tax registration certificate and proof that you can skate down the middle of Long street standing on a skateboard and wearing sunglasses. No, I was just joking about the last one, wasn’t I? (Laughter.)

“The second question is a matter of variations to the contract. Gentlemen and ladies, I’m afraid there will be no variations to the contract. The price will be fixed. Admittedly, we are not entirely sure right now whether the freeway will be a four-lane or a two-lane freeway, whether it will be elevated or at ground level, but you should include for these contingencies in your offer.

“The third question is about payment. Payment will be made in the form of regu- larly processed certificates. These certificates must be submitted before the 25th of the month to the client. The client will then keep them on his desk under his in-tray until the 25th of the following month, and then on the 25th of the following month will hand it to his superior, who will keep it under her in-tray for the next 24 days before handing it to the quantity surveyor. The quantity surveyor will query any item which does not seem to fit the original bill of quantities, and where the value of such item exceeds R14,50 the certificate for payment will be sent back to the contractor for resubmission. No interest will be paid on any overdue amount.

“Thank you for attending. And will somebody please wake up the electrical engineer in the front row who has gone to sleep.”

I was shaken awake. The client was about to begin talking.