Ioften listen to the news on the radio and read the newspapers every day.

It seems to me that much of it is the same old stuff – huge corporations raising huge loans so that they can continue to compete in ‘increasingly difficult markets’. This makes them effectively broke – a state in which my business cannot be, but, it seems, when you are a huge corporation, no problem.

Other news items which are sure to be heard are matters related to government corruption, all of which are denied, brushed aside or subject to a ‘further investigation’ by a specially appointed commission (nothing ever comes of the commission, since everybody attending is paid by the hour). Who would want to stop that sort of welcome refreshing income?.

I would like some real news, honest news, for a change. So, here is my version of some honest news: “The Congress of Unions has warned that there is a growing shortage of ‘sick notes’ available to union members. Union spokesperson Able Bakerdog said, ‘It used to be that you could just go to the doctor, pay a sum of money and he would give you a sick note and you would be booked off for as long as you paid for. No more: all the flu and sore-back sick notes have been used up and the low blood sugar are almost unavailable. You can’t get a migraine headache or sprained wrist for love or money.’ Bakerdog called on government to immediately remedy this situation by the importation of suitably unqualified and dodgy doctors. ‘The problem is,’ he said, ‘there are too many dedicated doctors out there’.

“Moving to the commodities sector, illegal gold mining house PANsteal is planning to list on the JSE. The CEO, Fin Ineverypie, said that the listing heralded a new era in giving empowerment to the people and not burdening the employer with safety issues, which should rightly be the responsibility of workers. Workers have ‘more fun when working for them- selves’ and being able to work free underground as they chose. The beauty of the PANsteal offer was that they will attract very little taxation or property rental costs, these being covered by the owner of the sites where they will be working.

“Government has announced a new form of tender system. In the past, points were awarded for Construction Industry Development Board status, black economic-empowerment requirements and, finally, on price.

“The tenderer who got the most points would be considered for the contract award, provided certain other conditions, such as deposits in foreign bank accounts and donations to the ruling party, were in place.

“Recognising the inherent failure of such a tender system, the new system will place more emphasis on deposits in foreign bank accounts and donations to the ruling party, use of government family members to do work for which they are hopelessly unqualified and the ability to give misleading statements to the press. Price will be considered and will be made up of four parts: the actual cost of doing the work, an additional sum to cover claims by family and other members, the cost of doing the work to specification and the cost of hiring a firm that can actually do the work.

“It has been reported that the most corrupt tender processes are conducted by the Department of Correctional Services. According to Correctional Services spokesperson Jack ‘Mad Dog’ Inja, this is due to the policy of using those familiar with the criminal mind to supervise those who have criminal minds. ‘It’s a bit like setting a thief to catch a thief,’ he said. He admitted that the estimated cost of a planned maximum security prison was such that it would be cheaper to send prisoners to the US, all expenses paid, than bang them up in South Africa. ‘We do have our standards,’ he said. ‘How would prisoners feel if their prison had been built by honest men?’

“That is the end of this news broadcast. Listeners are reminded that a sanitised version of this newscast is available in which all allegations are strenuously denied by all parties.”