In the TV series Gold Divers, which is all about dredging for gold in the ocean off Alaska, there is a character who addresses the screen and says in a deep drawling accent: “People say they come here to dredge for gold. What they really are looking for is a second chance . . .”

This very much sums up Internet dating.
Ladies, let me give you some pointers. If you go out with an engineer, architect, quantity surveyor, interior designer . . . this is what that first date may well be like:

Electrical engineer – Generally, electrical engineers are very bright and have long memories for trivia but will constantly forget your name, both first and last. An electrical engineer will remember the name of the Russian general who fought the battle of Kursk (so easy; it was Georgy Konstantinovich Zhukov) but if your name is complicated and unfamiliar, for example, Jane, he will call you Julie, Zane or Jude. If he apologises, it will be to tell you he is using the name of his last date. If you ask what electrical engineers do, he will tell you it will take too long to explain (true enough) but during the date will try to explain how evaporative coolers were used in prison-of-war camps. He has little modern general knowledge. He knows that Sing Sing is the nickname given to the US prison facility, Ossining State Prison, in Ossining, New York. He thinks that Kim Kardashian is the President of Indonesia and does not know if Justin Bieber is male or female. He will try to hold your hand on the first date but will not try to kiss you until you force him to. Even then, he will be surprised. He will pay the bill for both of you.

Quantity surveyor – Quantity surveyors are fairly bright but always rather distracted. A quantity surveyor will ask you how you pronounce your name and, if you name is long and complicated (like Jane Smith), will repeat it twice and then write it down in a small book filled with names. If you ask what quantity surveyors do, he will sigh deeply and say, quietly, with deep feeling: “Oh . . . sometimes I think we do too much.” His general knowledge will include the score by the British team in the Ryder Cup and, if you do not know anything about golf, he will explain that the Ryder Cup is a game of golf. This will take about two hours. He will pay the bill for both of you, which won’t say much, since you will be eating either at McDonald’s or the local chicken takeaway.

Architect – Architects are very nice people. They are good on many fronts: they are polite, take note of your name and have wonderful fingernails and good general knowledge. But they dream of fame – fame in the form of a building constructed, entirely to their design, a building pure, true in beauty, devoid of all building services which may spoil the lines of the wonderful creation. No air-conditioning ducts, no cable trays will snake through the hallowed halls, no quantity survey shall restrain the purse and no client shall mention the word ‘budget’. Oh, to be Frank Lloyd Wright! Oh, to be John Lautner! You will soon realise that a mere Internet date has some stiff competition against off-shutter concrete and a world where even a brick has something to say. He will pay the bill for both of you, which will consist of the price of two salads that he will have ordered. He will tell you confidentially that “the food’s not much but I love the brickwork”.

Interior designer – Interior designers are also very nice people. The men are insane. If you ask where an interior designer lives, he will explain that the Monty Python Idea of “living in a paper bag in the middle of the road” originated with him, when he was in the UK. He will describe the bag, the texture, the finish, the stitching, the label printing. He will note your name and, if you tell him its is Jane Smith, he will ask if he can call you Jerome in honour of a hamster he had as a pet. He will split the bill, very carefully counting on his fingers. No tip. Ladies, be warned – they’re out there . . . waiting.