When Martin Creamer, in a careless moment, agreed that I write this column, he told me I could write about anything . . . it did not have to be about electricity. Anything except smut and politics. I have avoided the smut. But politics? Well, read on.

I got wondering: What happens to our politicians when they retire? Then it struck me – like all retirees, they will start a bar. Or a restaurant. Then I thought, maybe they already have. So I got onto the Internet all the places, locations and descriptions below really exist, as do the reviews and the politicians – check them out if you need to. You do not understand? Well, read on.

I typed in ‘Zuma Restaurant’ (no, really). It came up! Zuma Restaurant is at 5 Raphael street, London (check for yourself!). It is very good, ranked 40 out of 14 732 London restaurants. And the reviews? All very lavish: “This place had a great menu, great service and amazing ambience, though the bar did feel a bit of a sausage-fest after 23:00, and the few women were clearly gold diggers. Food was delicious and cocktails good . . .”

So I thought, what about the official opposition? A search shows that Zille Stube, in Hamburg, is the place. But, um, rated 3 174 out of the 4 238 restaurants in Berlin. The reviews are terrible: “When we arrived, they were playing Bee Gees’ Saturday Night Fever. We were the first and only guests arriving that evening. Soon, they turned off the music and the serving began. The food was terrible. The service was poor and we drank up all the wine they had. We had a three-course meal and the best part was the ice cream.” Oh, dear. But not to worry.

The DeLille Cellars, in Washington, US, is a bit better: “We came here on the recommendation of some friends, and we were not at all disappointed. The wines are really excellent and the staff is knowledgeable, friendly and not at all pushy. Nice location, too, and dog friendly . . .” Dog friendly. Beat that.

I soon got into my stride, to discover that just about every politician had a bar or restaurant with the same name as them. Some were obvious. The Mandela Family Restaurant, in Orlando West, Johannesburg, is advertised as being “. . . owned by Nelson Mandela’s first wife, Winnie (I always thought that Winnie was the second) and serves up a classic Soweto bunny chow with chips, processed meat, garlic and cheese, as well as breakfast sandwiches, burgers and fish and chips.” Yum.

Others are less obvious, a case in point being the Goodwill Chinese Restaurant, in Portland, Oregon, US. The review: “Comfortable booths, decent menu, okay prices. Good choice for a quick meal after travelling all day. Menu seems pretty authentic . . .” There is some competition, reviewwise. The following is for Casa Botha, in Casablanca, Chile: “We discovered this restaurant around five years ago and it has always been a great experience eating there. The menu is always fresh and a dynamic combination of flavours. The owners are very fun and loving people – they always have time to service you well . . .” Oh, hear it for Casa Botha.

What about Cyril? I think we all know that in 2011 he was appointed the developmental licensee for McDonald’s but did you know that there is a place, Ramaphosa? It is near Stompo and not far from Klipplaatdrif. Plenty of fast food places there.

Who have we left out? Oh, yes. There is no Restaurant De Klerk. There is an Eetcafe De Kerk. It is in Boxtel, in the Nederlands, naturally. It offers Wij schenken diverse bieren, zoals Duvel, Palm, Murphy’s Red en Jupiler. Op de bierkaart tref je alle bieren aan, zowel op tap als uit een flesje.

But, if you have to have something with an accurate name, the best we can do is a railway station called De Klerk, which is 80 km from De Aar and 40 km from Victoria West, in the Northern Cape. You know, I do not think it even has a snack bar, but what the heck. If Pieter Dirk Uys can have a railway station restaurant, who knows what the future holds for station De Klerk?