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Two tales from construction sites

28th October 2016

By: Terry Mackenzie-hoy

  

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In contrast to the gloom and doom of the economy and the political goings-on, I thought I would cheer you up with tales from two of the various sites I have worked on. Most construction sites start work at 07:00 and finish at 17:00. On Fridays, it is common to stop work at 15:00. Very often, once a month, there is a site braai. It is at these site braais that tales are told about contract work, and legendary stories are repeated. Below are two of those stories.

First tale: Johnny D had an alcoholic wife. She was dreadful and a huge burden to everybody. Finally, under enormous pressure from her family and having lost all work opportunities she once had, she decided to stop drinking and went to Alcoholics Anonymous. Johnny was no mean drinker himself; most nights, he would settle himself in front of the TV with his bottle of brandy and two litres of Coca-Cola and drink himself into a state of calm and happiness.

About three weeks after his wife had stopped drinking, Johnny found himself in a worrying state. He started getting very drunk more quickly than before, started passing out on the sofa and finding himself waking up in bed without remembering how he got there. Worse, his normal brandy consumption seemed to have increased beyond half a bottle a night to three-quarters of a bottle, which is eight doubles.

Oddly enough, his consumption of CocaCola did not change. His wife, who previously had never commented on his drinking, now started laying into him. Watching the TV, she poured and drank Coke and he poured and drank brandy and coke. The moment he poured himself his third shot and added Coke, she would demand to know why he drank so much. It was a strange reversal of roles: previously, Johnny had complained about her drinking.

Later, Johnny was transferred to a site near Barberton, in Mpumulanga. Once settled into a B&B, he bought himself a couple of bottles of brandy and some bottles of Coke and continued his nightly routine in front of the TV in the B&B. A strange thing happened: his brandy consumption went back to half a bottle a night. Why would things in Barberton be different from things at home? Was the brandy in Mpumulanga different from that at home? Then he realised that his wife had not stopped drinking at all. She was drinking, but in disguise. While he was not looking, she poured a quarter of the bottle of brandy into the Coca-Cola bottle. Then, when she joined him at night to watch the TV, she poured herself a drink out of the Coca-Cola bottle, giving the impression of teetotal behaviour. When Johnny poured himself a brandy and added Coke, he was actually adding Coke already laced with brandy – hence his drunkenness and increased apparent consumption of brandy.

Second tale: Alison was the architect on a big project in another African country. A Chinese contractor had been awarded the contract to implement the project and, at site meetings, the boss from the Chinese contracting company would attend with a translator.

The Chinese were behind on the contract. At the site meeting, Alison laid into the contractor: “Why,” she asked, “is the outside cladding not complete? It’s two months behind schedule?” The contractor said he was very sorry. “Why”, she asked, “is the waterproofing of the roof not complete? It is four months behind schedule!” The contractor said he was very sorry.

Alison started working herself up: she raised the matter of the ceiling tiles which did not fit, plumbing pipes which were not on site, the inaccuracy of the latest contract claim. Finally, with fire in her eyes, she reached a crescendo: “Why,” she thundered, “is the security of this site so bad? When I come to the gate, the guard doesn’t even ask me for my pass!”

There was a rapid exchange in Chinese. Finally, the translator cast his eyes down and said in a humble voice: “Ms Alison, all the security guards know you are . . .” There was a pause. Then the translator whispered: “And they’re afraid to ask for your pass.”

Edited by Martin Zhuwakinyu
Creamer Media Senior Deputy Editor

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