Iam afraid that the world is full of theories which are complete rubbish.

There are the more obvious rubbish theories, such as wind turbines have equipment that is easily maintained 100 m above ground. Do you know that, if a wind turbine tower is 50 m tall, it will, for example, have an innate tendency to bend backwards and forwards every three seconds? Every time one of the rotor blades passes in front of the tower, it enters the ‘wind shade’ of the tower, and the tower rocks.

Because the rotor blades themselves are also made of a slightly flexible material, they vibrate. While this is happening, it is expected that, if an electronic component fails, a technician will climb up, replace the bit and climb down. Brave man. Time will tell if these engineering marvels can be maintained.

Another rubbish theory is that wind turbines are a good investment. Well, today, in the Cape, the average wind speed is about 2.5 m/s for the next three days – that’s three days of no money in the bank for developers. Imagine paying off a fixed loan on an income based on whether the wind blows or not. Hum.

But the compete rubbish theories are even more astounding and I will introduce you to some of them now.

First theory: Fossils were formed millions of years ago, over a long passage of time. Are you kidding? You seriously believe that Mr and Mrs Tyrannosaurus Rex went skipping over some mud and the footprints stayed there for a couple of weeks and months and then were cast into mud, which became rock? Hello? Hello?

Second theory: Diamonds were formed by incredibly high pressures and temperatures, which caused carbon from burnt wood to become the hardest gemstones in the world. You believe this? How many years would all that take?

Third theory: The earth is round. Round? No way, but read on. The earth is flat and disc shaped. You and I know that, if you are near a black hole, the light from a source bends. Thus, the earth is near a black hole and everything we see which, in fact, is straight, looks as if it bends: the horizon, the sky, the earth and so on. Ships travel the oceans in ‘great circle’ distances that are, in fact, straight lines. The black hole is nearby and all those stars which are rushing away are not the event horizon of the universe but are just vanishing into the black hole, where they will become smaller and smaller and denser and denser until each will be the size of a peanut and will weigh a gazillion tons.

Diamonds have hardness, optical clarity, resistance to chemicals, radiation and electrical fields and are now used to finance wars in Africa. Diamonds actually come from the cabin screens of extraterrestrial space ships which fought wars in atmospheric space around the earth. What better than to make a cabin screen of something which is hard, has optical clarity and resistance to chemicals, radiation and electrical fields?

When you look at a flying saucer, you do not want to worry about what metal it is but rather what the windscreen is made of. In the great intergalactic war, there had to be some casualties. When hit, the metal bits of the extraterrestrial (ET) space ships burnt up in the atmosphere but the windscreens shattered and . . . fell to earth as diamonds.

Naturally, some of the extraterrestrial spaceships crash-landed, with crew intact. When threatened by Mr and Mrs Tyrannosaurus Rex and Rexlets, the reptiles were vapourised by the ETs, leaving only footprints.

Some of the extraterrestrial craft were too badly damaged to fly again. Thus, castaways built navigation markers to try to guide rescue craft, notably the pyramids in Egypt and the statues on Easter Island. Those that were not rescued integrated into the gene pool of the earth and became members of my staff and engineering graduates from the University of Natal.

Ask yourself: “Did I wake up this morning feeling like I should vapourise somebody but lack the weaponry?” Don’t hold back – rich fossil history awaits.