This column is for David and Linda Odd.

A potential disaster exists in the form of the coming plague of invisible rats, which are responsible for sudden crop failure, power outages, outbreaks of diseases and unexplained deaths of domestic pets. Government is paying experts to find a solution. Failure to implement will result in global starvation and death. It is predicted that, after the population has died off in large numbers, economic collapse will follow. Wars will follow. It is predicted that, finally, the world will stabilise under a vast authoritarian government that will require every person between the ages of 14 and 40 to provide virtually unpaid manual labour.

The solution proposed by the experts, to wit, invisible cats, is costly and further studies are required, most of them by US government-sponsored Master of Arts students (generally, those majoring in the use of fluffy balls in interior decorating). Fields of study will include the effect of invisible rats on the fish population of the Zambezi river, studies of the crocodile population affected by invisible rats in the Okavango Delta and the possible effect of invisible rats on rhino poaching in the Kruger National Park. Students will be forced to spend some time at these popular tourist destinations on investigations to preserve their fragile ecosystems (the destination ecosystems, not the students).

A tax will be levied to acquire and establish the invisible cat population to eliminate the invisible rats. Funds will be channelled into research investigating whether cocker spaniels (not invisible) can be used to detect invisible rats, since they seem to see things that we (and other animals) cannot see. It is predicted that, socially, anybody who disputes the plague of invisible rats will be shown clear evidence of crop failure (where no reason or explanation for the failure exists), evidence of power outages, photos of dead domestic pets and graphs showing that the incidence of diseases has increased by 0.2% since 1910. Prediction graphs show the grim future if the world does not agree to pay for further studies and the breeding and releasing of invisible cats and training of cocker spaniels.

An International Panel of Invisible Rat Control (IPIRC) has been established and funded by the United Nations. The panel will hold a conference every year, probably in Paris or London, and delegates from all countries will have to fly first class and stay in five-star hotels and also receive a travel allowance during the two-week conference.

A Danish professor of music, Forsknings- professor MSO Dr Sjovmusik, has welcomed the creation of the IPIRC and his appointment as adviser. He mentions that he has seen this problem coming from a long way and is happy it is being addressed. He has made a commitment to providing the fullest of his services to the IPIRC, especially since he most recently retired from the university at age 75. Other panel members are Dr Alan Brexit (UK), Dr Ukulala Okusheshayo (Africa), Ms Kulala Usingizi (North Africa), Mr Dozing-Beer (Australia), Mr Ukulalangokukhawuleza (South Africa), Herr Doktor Schnellschlafen (Germany), Dr Fortiwinks (US) and Snr Profundamente Dormido (South America). The average panel age is 75. An IPIRC representative has explained that appointing a panel whose combined age exceeds 600 years “brings to the table a wealth of experience in research grant application submissions, government funding requests and a solid founding in conference attendance, which is vital to the work of the IPIRC”.

Not all scientific bodies are in support of the initative. The University of the Northern Cape Department of Zoological Non-Existence has stressed the need for caution in referring to the plague as an “invisible rat plague”. The department notes that Professor Alexius Ritter von Handschuchsheim Meinong, an Austrian philosopher, believed that, since non-existent things could apparently be referred to, they must have some sort of being, which he termed sosein (being so). This, said head of department Professor Niebestaannie, means the rat plague should not be termed “invisible”, since it clearly exists, as much as the University of the Northern Cape exists.