I wonder why people do not know the answers to the simplest of questions. They tell us about global warming, bird flu and other rubbish, but the fundamental questions of history go unanswered. Here are the answers.

Question 1: Where did the dinosaurs come from? Just look at a dinosaur. Just look. They are bizarre-looking creatures. Tyrannosaurus Rex has huge legs, a big floppy tail, a big mouth full of teeth and small arms. Why the small arms? I mean, we presume that they did not evolve that way. Same with Giganotosaurus. Look at pterosaurs – had the ability to fly but its front feet were at the curve of its wings (like a bat’s) and the back feet were just ridiculous. Then look at the 10-m-long Sarcosaurus. It is hard to believe these are all normal creatures. The answer is that they are not. What happened is that all those years ago, mankind was around before dinosaurs. Then, as the population of the earth grew, wars broke out, finally cumulating in a nuclear war. The resulting radiation killed off all but a lucky few who escaped by spaceships. The local lizards, chameleons, bats, and so on, all mutated into dinosaurs. Since the dinosaurs mostly lived on meat (tyrannosaurus on 200 kg a day), eating each other was a major pastime. However, no balanced society can survive rampant cannibalism and, so, shortly after the nuclear war . . . dinosaur no more, except for the vegetarians and crocodiles, which have come down through the ages as rhino, hippo, elephant, and so on.

Question 2: Who built the pyramids, and why? Human beings came back in their spaceships. Since the ships could travel at near to the speed of light, the passing of a few months aboard a ship was the equivalent of 1 500 years on earth and so they returned to a changed planet. First, scout ships were sent to check the place out. Some got lost and one landed at Easter Island, where they built huge statues to try to alert other ships of their plight. The pyramids were built as a marker beacon for the mother ship, and this is why civilisation began in Egypt.

Question 3: Who was Noah? You do not have to be a genius to see that, once upon a time, the Straits of Gibraltar were closed up with land and the Mediterranean Sea was a large hot swamp. When the straits opened up, the Mediterranean Sea started filling up and Noah got into his head the idea of building a boat. Since he took two of every animal he could get on the boat and left the rest to die, he ensured the local extinction of a number of animals, the unicorn included. He waited until the flood abated, which (until yesterday) has not happened and so he ran aground on one of the mountains where his tribe is still today, having founded enduring dynasties, including my brother-in-law’s family.

Question 4: Who built Stonehenge? Very stupid question. People built Stonehenge. Why? So that they could mark the passage of the seasons, summer to winter. If you have ever been to England, you will find the summer seems endless, as does the winter. Stonehenge allows people to determine when midsummer occurs and can allow you to determine which month you are in. You must remember that old people about 2 500 years ago normally lasted to no more than their late 40s, so you had to teach people about seasons and stuff very early on in life – Stonehenge ensures the passing on of astronautical knowledge.

Question 5: How did they build Stonehenge? It is not too difficult to build it without a crane – there are various simple techniques to do this.

Question 6: Why is the earth round? It is not round – it is flat. The earth is near to a vast black hole, which causes light to bend. Thus, from a distance, the earth seems to be round but, in fact, it is flat. You know all that rubbish about how we never see the ‘dark side of the moon’? This is because the moon is like the earth – a flat disc.

Any more questions? Do ask.